Christopher Columbus vs Captain Kirk
|-| Video= center|border|600px |-| Behind the Scenes= |-| Battle= Epic Rap Battles of History #14 is the fourteenth installment of the Epic Rap Battles of History series. It features Explorer Christopher Columbus competing against Star Trek character Captain Kirk. It was released on October 10, 2011. Cast Nice Peter as Christopher Columbus EpicLLOYD as Captain Kirk Jon Na as Sulu (cameo) Omar Gharaibeh as Spock (cameo) Mary Gutfleisch as Hot Alien (cameo) Lyrics Christopher Columbus Arrivederci, Imma leave before this battle begins, 'Cause we both know in the end which captain's gonna win! I'll show you how a real explorer handles a situation, I'll beat you so bad they'll feel it in the next generation! So bring it on, I'll whip you like Klingon, My rhymes will burrow in your ears like the wrath of Khan! I've got a neck chop for Spock, I'll put my sword through Sulu, Check into a priceline hotel and watch your fat ass on Hulu! Captain Kirk I'm the enterprising Captain James Tiberius Kirk, Representing Riverside Iowa, planet... Earth, I hear you call yourself an explorer but I'm just not having it, you... Discovered a new world that was already inhabited! Why don't you boldly go somewhere you've never gone before? Like India or any destination you've actually set sail for, You spaghetti eating fuck, how's your spice-rack doing? I'll be chilling in my spaceship, have fun canoeing. Christopher Columbus You know, rapping against you it's not even fun, It's like somebody's set your brains on stun! I am the fabric of history, you're a fictional stain! I'll stick a flag up your ass and claim you for Spain! Captain Kirk Mr. Spock, beam me back to 1492, So I can beat this man like it's my job, We'll see how Isabella likes my captain's log, It's Kobayashi for you, there's no way you could win When your weak crew sees me approaching, they'll be like "Dammit, it's Jim!" I'll double-fist punch you, you slave-making bitch Now, take your genocidal ass off of my bridge. Poll Who do you think won? Christopher Columbus Captain Kirk Trivia *This battle was the first to be released through a music provider (iTunes, amazon, google play store, etc.) a day before it came out on Youtube (October 9th) *Nice Peter showed two hints as to who it was between on his channel NicePeterToo. One was in the episode "Monday is for new Rules", which showed them performing not in costume. The other was in the episode "Monday Shows Continue Despite", which showed them in costumes. *This battle was originally going to feature Christopher Columbus vs Neil Armstrong. It was later switched with Columbus vs Captain Kirk because during research, Nice Peter thought Neil was kind of 'unflappable' and there wouldn't be anything bad to diss him for. *Suggested by: Pokewiz309. |-| Gallery= Christopher Columbus vs. Captain Kirk.jpg|iTunes cover Kirk.png|Captain Kirk's title card Columbus.png|Christopher Columbus' title card EL as Kirk.png|EpicLLOYD as Captain Kirk Pete as Columbus.png|Nice Peter as Christopher Columbus Spock.png|Omar Gharaibeh as Spock (cameo) Sulu.png|Jon Na as Sulu (cameo) Qergrgrgwegwgegw.PNG|Mary Gutfleisch as Hot Alien (cameo) KirkPlanet.png|Alien Planet (Captain Kirk's location) Oooow! My tongue!.png|The Shore (Columbus' location) Enterprise ERB.png|USS Enterprise (Spock's location) ERB 14 suggestion.png|The commenter who gave the suggestion Captain Kirk vs. Christopher Columbus Alternative Cover.jpg|Captain Kirk vs. Christopher Columbus Alternative Cover |-| Rap Meanings= 'Christopher Columbus:' Arrivederci, I'mma leave before this battle begins... (Arrivederci is Italian for "goodbye" (literally "until we meet again"). Columbus says this because he was born in Italy and only sailed in representation of Spain. He says goodbye, and then leaves before he starts because he thinks the battle is pointless.) ...Cause we both know in the end which of these captains gonna win! (He returns thinking that this isn't worth battling for when the outcome is too predictable, as in Columbus winning of the two captains.) I'll show you how a real explorer handles a situation. (Columbus thinks he's better than Kirk in the face of voyaging and that he can handle things that Kirk can't. Hidden meaning: Columbus will show how a REAL explorer handles something, as in an explorer from real history. Kirk is a fictional character from a science fiction series.) I'll beat you so bad, they'll feel it in the next generation. (He claims that he'll clobber Kirk so hard in this battle, his descendants will feel the pain. A passing reference to "Star Trek: The Next Generation", a show that Kirk no longer appears in, as he was only a character in the original series.) So bring it on! I'll whip you like a Klingon! (Columbus brags that he'll subdue Kirk as Kirk subdued many Klingon foes in his time. The Klingons are a dark-skinned warrior race noted for their prominent brow ridges, fierce fighting ability, and outlandish tales of conquest. Their faith even centers on the art of war.) My rhymes will burrow in your ears like the Wrath of Khan! (Reference to "Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan". Khan Noonien Singh was an enhanced human who could manipulate minds through the use of small eels that would burrow into his victims' ears, as he did to control two members of the USS Reliant: former Enterprise crew member Pavel Chekov and the Reliant's captain. Khan does this to lure out Kirk, whom he blames for the death of his wife and child. Columbus' rhyming skills, he says, are just as fierce.) I've got a neck chop for Spock! I'll put my sword through Sulu! (He'll mess up Kirk's crew, even as Spock is known for his Vulcan neck pinch, and Sulu is very skilled at swordplay. So it would be powerful of him to beat them with their best fighting skills.) Check into a Priceline hotel and watch your fat ass on Hulu! (Columbus suggests that Kirk should go to a cheap hotel and watch his embarrassing performance on Hulu, an American website where you can watch shows such as Star Trek. Priceline and Hulu were both famously stumped by William Shatner, who played Kirk for all but a few episodes of the original series of Star Trek. It also disses Shatner since he's gained weight in his later career.) 'Captain Kirk:' I'm the, enterprising captain, James, Tiberius Kirk. (James Tiberius Kirk, Captain Kirk's full name, is the captain of the USS Enterprise, making him an enterprising captain. His speech pattern on the show is also used in the rap battle, in which he makes lapses as he talks.) Representing Riverside Iowa, planet...Earth. (Kirk was born in Riverside Iowa, located on planet Earth.) I hear you call yourself an explorer but I'm just not having it. (Columbus is an explorer, but Kirk is not convinced.) You...discovered a new world that was already inhabited! (Christopher discovered a new world already had native people living on it.) Why don't you boldly go somewhere you've never gone before? (Columbus's voyages usually result in him getting lost, such as when he had found the Americas when he was supposed to find a faster route to the East Indies. The mission of the USS Enterprise was "to boldly go where no one has gone before".) Like India, or any destination you've actually set sail for. (He was never able to sail to the East Indies, his true destination. Kirk mocks him that he wasn't able to do so.) You spaghetti eating fuck! How's your spice rack doing? (Italians stereotypically eat spaghetti and have extensive spice racks. Columbus was supposed to be seeking exotic spices from the East Indies according to some history sources, and he failed even as he discovered lands in the Caribbean. Kirk asks how his spice rack is doing as a taunt to remind him that he never acquired the spices he was supposed to get.) I'll be chilling in my spaceship, have fun canoeing. (While Columbus' fleet will be struggling against storms and other hazards with their wooden ships which resemble canoes, Kirk will be relaxing in his futuristic state-of-the-art spaceship.) 'Christopher Columbus:' You know, rapping against you, it's not even fun. (Rapping against Kirk is boring to Columbus, possibly due to his broken and weird speech patterns, or that Kirk's not good at rapping and takes the joy out of it.) It's like somebody's set your brains on stun! (Columbus thinks Kirk's raps are so weak, it's like his brain is on stun, the weakest setting for a Star Trek phaser, designed to just incapacitate the target, doing no real hram.) I am the fabric of history. You're a fictional stain! (Columbus is a well-known historical figure, paving the road of history, where Kirk is only, say, a fictional roadkill on the highway of history.) I'll stick a flag up your ass, and claim you for Spain! (Even though Christopher is Italian, he sailed to the West Indis in the Americas to claim the land as Spain's property. Voyagers normally put a flag on land that was sailed to and claimed it for their representing country, and he'll do the same with Kirk.) 'Captain Kirk:' Mr. Spock, beam me back to 1492, so I can beat this man like it's my job. (Kirk is asking Spock to transport him to 1492, the year Columbus discovered America. He says he wants to beat him down personally as if it's his mission.) We'll see how Isabella likes my captain's log. (Isabella was the queen of Spain, who gave Columbus support for his journeys. Kirk also recorded all his details on a captain's log. In this context, it means his penis, and that Kirk will seduce Isabella by demonstrating how Kirk is more of an explorer than Columbus.) It's Kobayashi for you. There's no way you can win. (The Kobayashi Maru is a training exercise on the Starfleet Academy, and it can't be won. Kirk is saying Columbus has no chance of winning. Kirk is also the only one to ever beat the test.) When your weak crew sees me approaching, they'll be like "Dammit, it's Jim!". (Compared to Kirk's advanced weapons, Columbus' crew wouldn't be able to stand a chance, and they'll run in fear. Dr. McCoy often says "Dammit Jim!" on the show.) I'll double fist punch you, you slave-making bitch! (Captain Kirk's well-known fighting style was double fist punching. Columbus' voyages usually end in him making slaves of the locals.) Now, get your genocidal ass off of my bridge! (Columbus murdered a lot of Native Americans in his journeys. "Get off of my bridge" is a quote from Star Trek. If a captain says this, it basically means you can better run away.) Category:Epic Rap Battles of History Category:Epic Rap Battles of History 14 Category:Season 1 Category:Captain Kirk Category:Christopher Columbus Category:Nice Peter Category:EpicLLOYD